Why, it looks like this, more or less.

Thanks to the F.A.T.A.L. tabletop role-playing game, known alternately as either Fantasy Adventure to Adult Lechery, or From Another Time, Another Land. Neither one makes it a better game, sadly.

I wanted to see if it could be done, if a character could be made, without cutting a LOT of corners, and in fact, it can, and moreso, none of it was actually all that involved, it was just tedious and a long process (won’t get those hours of my life back)  – I do admit rolling 1D10,000,000 was beyond ridiculous, but luckily the online dice roller I found was able to do it – I have no idea how many D10 that would be to get that max.

Gromdar Ballparts
Male, Young Adult, Half-Orc, Age 18, 75″(6’3″), 214 lbs.

Physique 114.125
Physical Fitness 141.5
Strength 136
Bodily Attractiveness 72
Health 107

Charisma 100.25
Facial 129
Vocal 67.5
Kinetic 101.5
Rhetorical 103

Dexterity 101.375
Hand-Eye Coordination 40.5
Agility 133.5
Reaction Speed 90.5
Enunciation 141

Intelligence 108.875
Language 119
Math 98
Analytic 94
Spatial 124.5

Wisdom 102.625
Drive 88
Intuition 103
Common Sense 85.5
Reflection 134

Base Life Pts 22

Disposition Mods -25 Ethnicality and -50 Morality
Temperament Mods -50 Sanguine and -25 Melancholic
Disposition (Ethics/Morals) Neutral w Moral
Temperament: Sanguine 11
Choleric 73
Melancholic 41
Phlegmatic 18
Overall Temperament Choleric-Melancholic
Piety Points 9 (believes in a god but doesn’t care)

Birthday 12-24-5082
Birth Status illigitimate, bastard (-2 Soc Cls)
Birthplace village
Social Class peasant
Literacy Illiterate
Money 18 GP
Siblings 3 sisters, 3rd born
Marital Status unhappily married
Languages Black Speech

Offspring: single (out of 1d10,000,000: 9,074,942)
Offspring Gender: female
Family Occupation Hierophant, out of 146 occupations
Personal Occupation Level 1 Inititate
Skill Pts 46
Skills *handwaved*, out of 211 skills

Starting Items, 1 bookcase, 4′x1′x8′
-2 tent for two humans
-3 gloves, leather
-4 bracers, leather
-5 shirt
Beverage 1/2 gal bottle of wine
Food, 1 meat chunk: 1/2 lb, walnuts: 1 lb, 1 lb caviar

Animals: camel, adult male slave
Transport: chariot, barge (he owns quite a bit of stuff)
Weapons: polearm: poleax, broken bottle
Armor: none

Example Chant: 15 chars (. . . U D . M E . T O . W H I E)
Magic Item: ointment of magnetic attraction

Most Attractive Feature: Waist (what a … sexy waist?)
Most Repulsive: Crotch (considering its dimensions, I concur)
Skin: Greenish Tan
Hair color: dirty blonde
Hair Length: 23-30″ or lower back
Hair Thickness, Type: medium thickness, straight
Eye Color: brown
Vision: near-sighted, 600 feet (-20 Aim, Sight)
Characteristic: distinct eyebrows, prominent arch
And now the strange:

Sexuality: strongly heterosexual (94)
Debauchery: gives oral sex (oh how controversial!)

Areola Diameter: 2″
Areola Hue: difficult to identify (err…wha? why?)
Cup Size: A (if needing to dress up as a female half-orc I guess, no doubt that’s come up)
Nipple Length: 1/2″
Tongue: 1/2″ (Ol’ Tiny Tongue they called him)
Anal Circumference Potential: 5-6″
Manhood, Length: 8 1/2″
- Circumference: 8 1/4″ (! almost same around as long !)

Foot Size: 11-12″
Handedness: left
Head Circumference: 25.1″(important when looking for bitchin’ hats)

Since he’s not a female, I didn’t need to determine Hymen Resistance, Vaginal Depth Potential, etc. Pity.

And it only took two and a half hours – cheap at twice the price. Thank god for Excel and an excellent online die roller. And Pandora’s tunes. No way I was trying to figure out how to roll randomly for skills or spells or anything, half the charts have no dice roll prefixes. I added in a bunch of random items for him, just to see what he would wind up with, and so the camel, slave, bookcase, etc.

So there he is, in all his fantasy adventure lecherous glory. “It’s the best roleplaying game that I have seen”, in that this guy might *almost* be halfway interesting to play in pretty much any other system on the planet, at any time in history.

I cannot imagine even an attempt at spellcasting or combat.

Just one more reason why FATAL is something that should never have existed, but does, and it is brought up now and again at RPG.NET, and more people, thinking, “how bad can it be, all this being warned away is ridiculous”, come away with a little bit of their soul having died. It is truly a magical thing.

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This entry was posted by J P on Wednesday, October 28th, 2009 at 6:02 am and is filed under General RPG, Humor, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.