Zanysite's
HOW TO PLAY A TABLETOP ROLE-PLAYING GAME
(C) 2006 Jason Patterson
Well, since even in this day and age, many people still seem fairly clueless about the whole process of participating in a tabletop role-playing game (paper and pencil and dice), I have prepared this primer. Now, the screenshots from an 80's Dungeons & Dragons television commercial are a bit dated and you'll have to excuse the quality, but I think you can glean the important stuff.
1. It is important to remember that you are playing one of the most phenomenal games ever created! That will help temper your attitude toward the rest of play. Remember that sewers, stairs and ladders are always portals to wonder and exciting adventure - just like in the real world!
2. The Dungeon Master's job is to place you in a dreadfully precarious position, by instantly teleporting your characters into the lair of a fierce, fire-breathing red dragon. No actions by the player-characters are necessary for this to occur - you simply begin the game there.
3. It is important to exaggerate and overact surprise, shock and fear, directly proportional to the intensity and amount of times the GM gestures with his hands and turns his head from side to side, looking really serious. This earns you extra "experience points" and marks you as a true role-player.
4. Buck-toothed wonder and excitement is encouraged anytime the GM very sternly gestures. This gives you +1 to your next Initiative roll.
5. If unable to muster proper reactions, nail-biting may be substituted, but glasses and a thick woolen coat MUST be worn, regardless of need or how "uncool" they make you look or how hot it is inside. This is referred to as "metagame mechanics".
6. Snapping your fingers to the other players is the traditional signal to the GM that you have completed your turn.
7. The leader of the party must wear The Glasses of Leadership +1.
8. If you choose to "hold your action" and pass your turn to see what happens, further exaggerated looks of fear and suspense should be displayed as an indication of your decision - otherwise your character is assumed to have removed all her armour and stood before the enemy, throat bared, waiting to die.
9. The GM will tend to try to alarm everyone by insisting that there is nothing you can do, and no matter how hard you try, every defense fails, and your character is being eaten. This is only true on some occasions.
10. Keep in mind that the Shield of Flame Retardance, even though it is less than three feet wide and four feet tall, can fully protect up to four characters from point blank adult red dragon flame breath. IT IS MAGIC!
11. Stern hand gestures by the GM with two fingers extended are a serious indication that someone is about to have their ass handed to them. Terrified hyperventillation will allow you to make a "Saving Throw" and reduce your character's damage by half.
12. When, against all odds, one of your party actually manages to do something useful and successfully strike the enemy, it is imperative that the other characters not only don't attack but remain motionless in place, otherwise the attack spell will "fizzle".
13. A small impromptu celebration at the table should be conducted each time a character deals damage, with much mutual admiration, back-patting, applause, commiserating over how "close that was", and high-pitched, off-key ululation and congratulations of non-participants. Please note that the rulebook should remain closed and on the table in front of the currently acting player - you will only be allowed to use your notes for the final written exam over the adventure.
14. Repeat step 13 until enemy or party is a bloody steaming heap of meat - no retreat, no surrender, no negotiation. This is the universally accepted method of play and is referred to by learned RPG experts as "social contract".
15. The GM must announce to victorious players "You win the treasure!", and the players must enter the appropriate Treasure Room, lead by whichever player is playing the Leprechaun, who must clear all the cobwebs from the room for the other players.
16. Remember that if at any time you decide to play "for real" in the steam tunnels beneath a university, lose all sense of reality and knife a mugger then try to use a magic spell to fly off the roof of a tall building, the creator of the game cannot be held responsible for your actions, as the game is a "product of your imagination".
* Footnotes: Actual girl-to-boy ratio shown cannot be guaranteed. Not shown: Lesbian elf catgirl stripper ninja class. Characters must choose an Inn to call their headquarters, and "brothels" should be visited at least once per gaming session.
Now that we have covered the basics, I think all our RPG sessions from now on should run a lot more smoothly. -JP
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